“Mummy, Did Daddy Really Used to Have a Six Pack?”

Oh I am so ridiculously excited as have just found an old notebook from a holiday we took in Corsica five years ago with the scribbled title of ‘Mummy, Did Daddy Really Used to Have a Six Pack? And Other Short Stories.’ Oh the beautiful giddying height of excitement I have reached on finding this! I’m cursing myself on the one hand for not having continued with this theme of short stories but loving myself with the other for having ever started the collection in the first place – all that blogging material lying there waiting to be discovered!

Now, I’m a little spoilt for choice on which to share first but am settling on the following about a scene in a beautiful quaint little restaurant on a harbour front in the town of Calvi, Corsica …

“Oh my God, I so have swear word in my head that I want to call you right now!” hollers Child Number  Two at Child Number One. All in response to Child Number One sitting on my lap explaining to anyone who will listen, but most definitely aimed at Child Number Two and Child Number Three, that “obviously Mummy loves me the most because I’ve been in her heart the longest” with such a tone that implies that there is no counter argument so don’t even try … an ‘I am the oldest, so there’ kind of vibe that only oldest siblings appear to have the right.

It is such an emotionally charged statement from Child Number One and she knows with certainty that it will undeniably rile Child Number Two into such a frightening pent up rage … hence Child Number Two’s announcement of her stored up bank of swear words. I dread to think what they are and find myself doing a mental check of whether I could be to blame for any such words she may have stored … I don’t like the answer. A quick glance at my husband confirms that he, too, knows where she may have heard such expletives … shit! Damn him and is purer than purer approach to fatherhood. Damn those slightly amused raised eyebrows!

So, given that we are sat in a beautiful restaurant, I’m pretty certain that Child Number Two, won’t let me down and will keep whatever word she has in her head safely there but that was before Child Number Three pitches up with “I bet you don’t even know any really bad swear words even!” His ability to goad her astounds me. Has he never listened to me say, categorically, that you must never ever, ever threaten Child Number Two because the consequences are, even by my standards, truly unimaginable. But, before I have time to silence him, he’s at it again “I bet you don’t. You’re just saying that to make out you know naughty words. I know naughty words too.” Oh God … and, before I can stop him “I know the ‘C’ word.” I hold my breath … I look at my husband … how can he look so relaxed in these situations? It infuriates me. I give him a questioning look … marvelling at how much can be said without speaking … to which he says “It’s fine, it’s fine, all little boys have heard the word crap … come on!” But what happens next is horrific …

“It’s not crap, Daddy.” I wrack my brains. Surely, surely, surely there must be some other ‘C’ words that he has heard other than the one I am dreading. I try to put a stop to the conversation, “Oh poppet, I’m sure it is.” And this is where I went wrong, “I don’t know any other bad words beginning with C, darling.” And, there it was, handed to my son on a plate, “Don’t you, Mummy? You don’t know C$@%?”

Noooooooooooo!

He even looks quite pleased with himself. Child Number One and Child Number Two don’t know what to do with themselves, they are squirming in discomfort. To laugh would be to admit that they, too, have heard of the word. To reprimand him, as I can see Child Number One is itching to do, would also admit knowledge of the word … but to act as if they had never heard of the word would be giving Child Number Three a kudos of cool that would be so hard to hand to him, particularly for Child Number Two!  I look at Child Number Three, almost gallant in his use and knowledge of such a word. I look at my husband … he is smirking. What does that smirk even mean anyway? Proudness of his son’s boldness? Or, more likely, a mocking ‘so you gave up work two years ago to raise beautifully well-behaved, eloquent children and this is what you’ve achieved?!’

I glance at the table next to us as we prepare to leave, who make no pretence of their absolute displeasure at the behaviour of my children and their evident pleasure in our departure, and I mutter under my breath “Oh my God, I so have a swear word in my head that I want to call you right now!”

Disclaimer: My children have never heard me utter said discussed ‘C’ word … just saying!

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The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback

 

Mumzilla

 

59 thoughts on ““Mummy, Did Daddy Really Used to Have a Six Pack?”

    1. Ha ha – I love that – project wash potty mouth! I’m not even that bad but guess they hear a lot of ‘naughty’ words once they start school from this children that have older siblings. Thank you for your comment xx

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  1. Oh brilliant story – what a goldmine of stories this book must have if they are all as good as this! Children really know how to wind their siblings up don’t they?! Youngest is going through a phase of shouting “this is MY mummy and she loves ME” which winds up Oldest something rotten who starts shouting back “well she’s MINE too and loves ME too” At first I naively assumed Youngest didn’t really know what she was saying but she totally does. I am not looking forward to when they progress onto swear words – eeeeeks! #marvmondays

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    1. Oh, Emma, I was so excited to find it – there are some classics in there – unbelievable find – just so sad I hadn’t continued writing them – I guess that is what my blog is now though. Ha ha re your youngest – I think she knows too – they can be very cheeky! Thank you for commenting lovely xx

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  2. Hahah is it bad to say that I was totally the child that insisted on knowing all the bad words? If it puts anyones mind at ease though most of those words come from school and not home! Haha Lucy xx #triballove

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  3. Oh I was talking to OH about this just the other day…I do swear infront of Emma mostly when I’m having a coffee with the girls, and only just begun to realise that she’s like a sponge soaking up everything we say!! This is such a wonderful story and really well told, loved it! Xxx #triballove #bigpinklink

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  4. This conversation rang so true! Don’t they just love that line: I’m mummy’s favorite…! I love the way you describe your husband’s reaction – I can really picture the scene. How exciting to have found that notebook! I look forward to more of your tales. Alison x #bigpinklink

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    1. Oh they used to love winding each other up – I’d like to say that this has topped but it hasn’t! Siblings! Oh I’m ridiculously excited about having found the book – so many stories! Thank you for commenting lovely xx

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  5. Oh nooooo….!!!!!! I was kind of with your husband throughout this,bid have been the one with the raised, amused eyebrows!! I’m not looking forward to the bickering and goading between my children when they get to that age! I can also remember swear wars with my brother-arguments over who knew the most swear words! I think he taught me everything I knew!! I’m not really too sure where I stand with swearing, because me and my husband use swearing as a form of expression all the time!! Obviously we make every attempt not to do it in front of the children, and will discourage it for as long as possible, but if they’re doing it by the time they’re teenagers, can I really stop them, when I do it all the time?!! The C word does seem to carry a certain shock value though doesn’t it?! And I HATE when people give you the disapproving eye when you’re leaving somewhere, just because you have children… It really makes me grrrr!!!!
    #bigpinklink

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    1. Thank you for your gorgeous comment lovely! Thankfully, as teens they know when they should and shouldn’t use certain words but little ones have no sense of tact with regard to certain words so always makes for very amusing or embarrassing moments for parents! Good luck with the curbing of self swearing! xx

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  6. Haha this made me laugh. As the eldest child I am full aware of the ‘tone’ that says do not even argue with me. I have never used the c word in front of my daughters others probably but not that one. Kids seem to like using that one don’t they #bigpinklink

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    1. Ha – I’m the eldest too – I know that right! Absolutely not that one – think it came from children at school with older siblings but boy did it shock us that time on holiday! Thank you for your comment lovely xx

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  7. Hahahaha – you have to be SO careful what you say around kids, don’t you? They’re just soaking everything up. I’m kind of glad the Popple can’t speak yet, because I’ve definitely let the odd swear word fly in front of her – never the c-word though! #bigpinklink

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    1. SO careful – you wait! Well obviously that C word didn’t come from me but from school but other words they pick up from parents and think well if Mummy uses it then of course I can! Hmmm – be very careful! Thank you for your comment lovely xx

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  8. haha! this is hilarious! Kids can certainly throw a decent sized spanner when out in public can’t they lol?! Love the comments about your husbands ‘faces’ mine does that too… I urge him to ‘speak up’ but its clearly more fun for him to just smirk about some of my parenting efforts/fails. My kids 110% will get the ‘bad’ words from me, the teen has already let slip a few when angry, which makes me cringe! I can’t even help myself anymore though, swearing (a lot) is kind of normal for me these days- whoops!! 😉 Love Corsica too, what a beautiful place! #bigpinklink

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    1. Ha ha why speak when smirking is so much more powerful?!! Ha ha re your vocab – I’ve given up now they are teens – I’m apologising left right and centre but never ever that word!! Yes, Corsica – one of my absolute favourite places. Thank you so much for your comment x

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  9. Hehehe you did walk into that one a little. But kids hear and learn all sorts from everywhere, it is quite frightening really. My heart goes out to you sat in that restaurant but I’m sure it’s something you can all look back and laugh at now… Xxx #marvmondays

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  10. I’m definitely going to have to be careful what I say soon enough! I tend to swear a little when I get grumpy over something. I was raised by my grandparents and I dared not swear when I was a child. I did once and never tried again! #TribalLove

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    1. Oh bless you! I would like to point out that whilst my son may have heard some swear words from me he definitely hadn’t heard that one from me!! Thank you for commenting lovely x

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  11. What a great little treasure to find. It always amazes me how much siblings wind each other up! Even mine do it and their language skills is still quite limited! Also, who are this stepford parents? They seem to pop up every time things are not going so well for us flawed humans… Can’t wait to read all the other little gems from your notebook. xx #triballove

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  12. It is crazy how children pick up things and sometimes not even from us! I have this to look forward to – I don’t know if I would have had quite the same self control not to laugh though! 🙂 #bigpinklink

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  13. I actually gasped and held my breath with one hand over my mouth at the mere mention of the “c” bomb, and then it was dropped! I am mortified for you lovely! (And giggling a bit – sorry – not sorry!). I am so pleased that you found that notebook and I can’t wait to hear the next chapter!

    #bigpinklink x

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  14. Oh wow! I kept thinking no, it’ll be something really innocent! I also laughed out loud several times at your description of number 1 and 2’s internal battles to outdo number 3 and yet not admit to such knowledge. I also feel for number 2 for being goaded from both sides. I can’t wait to hear the other stories! #triballove

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    1. Oh thank you lovely. Can you believe that he actually said ‘that’ word out loud and in public! Oh my giddying heights! They test you these children! Thank you so much for commenting lovely xx

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    1. Oh thank you lovely! Oh the bit about me giving up work – there’s a whole load of blogs coming from just that one statement! Thank you for commenting and sharing lovely xx

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  15. I love that you have this book – it reminds me of my nan who has a book of all the funny one liners her 12 grandchildren and now 5 great-grandchildren have come out with. As you can imagine it’s a pretty big book! I hope to start one when my little boy starts talking, although with mine and my husband’s potty mouth combined, I fear there will be a lot of stories similar to this one!!

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  16. I sooooo know my kids will be saying everything and anything in just a few short years. Looking forward to hearing more from the notebook!! #chucklemums

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    1. Oh thank you lovely – oh and the general theme running through most of the stories from that notebook involve a very chilled and relaxed husband! Thank you so much for your comment xx

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  17. Oh just brilliant…you are such a fabulous story-teller – your scene setting and tone means I am there in this vignette I love this. Oh MY GOD though…why did you say you didn’t know any words beginning with C??? Why??? A lesson to us all, thank you. I can’t wait for what else you rustle up from this glorious diary find, how exciting! X

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  18. Hahahaha I wonder, have you discussed this with him since and found out where he learned such appalling language? 😉 I can just imagine the look on your face. In fact I now read all your blogs in my head in your voice. Maybe you should go full-time vlogger then I wouldn’t have to 😉 Sorry rambling slightly there but I can’t wait to read (hear?) more of your short stories! Thanks for linking to #chucklemums!

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    1. Oh we probably did but being 5 years ago I can’t remember – it was most probably at school from friends with older siblings – not home!! Ha ha re my voice! I’m the same when I read your blogs now – it’s a good thing though, I feel! Thank you for your comment lovely xx

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  19. Very funny, it’s always in a public place isn’t! As other people have said, it comes from school because I very much doubt you are going around calling anything/one a Jeremy Hunt. Your husband was very cool to stay so calm because then it doesn’t become a ‘thing’. ‘C’orsica will probably always make you think of that other ‘C’ word now! #chucklemums

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  20. I love finding things you’d forgotten about and with gems like this, I’m not surprised you were so delighted! And what a shock that must’ve been, haha. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

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  21. Oh I love this story, it made me laugh lots. Siblings really know how to wind each other up like nothing else! My three year old is already getting a right little potty mouth on him since I told him off for calling his sister “a f***ing idiot” – criiiinge so now he thinks he’s quite hilarious! Look forward to reading more of your posts 🙂 #chucklemums

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