A Lesson From My Daughter
I like being right … in fact, I love being right … and probably even more so than this, if I’m truly honest with myself, I really don’t like being wrong. So, when a conversation happened last night with one of my girls and I had to step back and accept that actually her view was far more beautiful than mine, something she said really resonated.
Now, being a mum of two teenage daughters (and a son but this blog doesn’t necessarily apply … yet!), there is situation after situation where advice is sought and advice is given … sometimes the advice is given when not wanted … actually there is lots of that by me … can’t help myself … always seem to have a view on a situation … whether my girls want to hear it or not … and, invariably, as I would expect anyone who is giving advice … it’s my opinion … my take on the situation … not their’s … but … and this is a big but … maybe my view isn’t the same as my girls … maybe they have a different take on the situation and my advice really isn’t relevant as their feelings about an event aren’t the same as how I would have felt in the same situation.
… OK, I’m rambling, let’s backtrack. There was a situation this week where I felt that some girls were being unkind … unthoughtful to others … so, in my “how dare anyone behave like that to one of my own” state, I started my empathic parenting of “Oh darling I hate to think of you feeling like that.” Who am I bloody kidding? All empathic parenting went out of the window as I launched into “OMG, how dare they? Who do they think they are? So bang out of order! Right, this is what you need to do …” etc etc … really helpful don’t you think? A page right out of the ‘How Not To Parent Your Children’ book for sure.
Look, I try really really hard to do the whole “let’s chat this through in a kind and thoughtful manner” but just sometimes I get riled … maddened by how cruel girls can be … and, oh my word, cruel can they be … but my take on the situation was different to my daughter’s. I was putting feelings into her thoughts that she didn’t have, hadn’t considered.
My outburst was about how I would have felt in the same situation … but that may not be how my daughter would feel … she isn’t me … I’m not her … I was using my experiences of having been a teenager and how I would have felt in that situation coupled with my protective parenting streak … and that was evidently very different to her’s … she didn’t have the same pent up anger or attitude of how unjust the world was … she was OK with the situation … so when she said “but, Mummy, I don’t feel the same way as you. I’m OK.” I had to stop … how beautiful to feel that way? How strong to not feel hurt?
So, why write this? Why feel that I have to share? Well, I guess it was another one of those life lessons that being a parent sometimes teaches you, that we love to blog about … we mustn’t base our response to a situation as the only response, the only advice, the only angle … sometimes, our teens have got it covered … they’re doing OK and they’ve got the whole thing sorted … we don’t have to barge in and take over and rectify … just sometimes they’ve got a much more beautiful perspective on things … and, thank goodness, because, in this situation, I hate to admit, my view was wrong … she was OK … just saying …
just saying mum 
Yes it is interesting how we project our own feelings, emotions or experiences onto situations I know I have done that with my son. He is a much more forgiving and understanding person than I am and he has taught me a lot… they do continue to surprise us don’t they?! #DreamTeam
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I know! I was so shocked by her response as thought she would be with me in this situation. One of those moments where I really felt she was her own person and could cope without me putting my view in! Thank you for your comment lovely xx
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It’s great to be right most of the time but also wonderful to realise we are open minded enough to change our opinion! Great blog and always good to be reminded to check our behaviour! xx
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Hmm it definitely made me stop and think about how I need to step away from situations more instead of barging in and probably end up making it a whole lot worse than it actually is … damn protective parent feelings get right in the way sometimes! Thank you for commenting lovely xx
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Number one thing I have learned as a mum to a teenager. Don’t get involved in teenage politics. It’s so difficult though. My daughter has a calmer head than me too and usually in the time that I’ve threatened to call the school, or parents, she has resolved the situation. I think we need to take a leaf out of their books sometimes! It is a proud moment when you realise that they are so mature though 🙂 x
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Oh thank you Tammy for your comment – It’s not an easy role parenting teens so it’s lovely to hear from other mums who have teenage girls! I love your advice – will try harder! xx
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Aww, our children can teach us so much. I am always amazed by their resilience and outlook on life. They have this ability to remain positive and see things in a positive light. Something that we often lose as adults. Lovely post xxx
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You’re so right, their positivity is beautiful – why do we lose that as adults? very sad. Thank you for your comment lovely xx
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Girls CAN be cruel, can’t they? It can be hard to watch, especially if we feel like they’re hurting someone who we love. But you’re right – our children aren’t us and they’ll interpret things in a different way. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take a step back. #DreamTeam
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So cruel! It was just one of those moments that I realised I needed to step back as her view was so much nicer than mine – and definitely more mature! Thank you for your comment, lovely xx
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I think it shows what a wonderful job you are doing as a parent. They know how to deal with situations and can talk to you about it.
My children are still young but I am learning from them too which is astounding #DreamTeam
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oh thank you so much for such a lovely comment. It’s wonderful the things we can learn from our children – just wonderful!
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I think it’s a natural defence mechanism of an older, wiser woman to leap in and protect the heart and feelings of her younger, more vulnerable brood – to take away the potential pain that we ourselves might feel, or have felt. How gorgeous that your daughter clearly has the maturity to approach it slightly differently and maintain her confidence and empathy – she will go far! Us mums though, we’re clearly screwed for life 😉
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Ha ha – love the sentiments of this comment! But you’re right – as parents we just want to take away the pain – all the time but it’s not always that easy, sadly xx
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Aw how grown up! I try not to push my views onto my child, he sits there eating stuff I wouldn’t dare touch, I try to hide the gross feeling inside! This is a note to self for the future! #triballove
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ha ha hilarious – long may that last x
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What a gorgeous post, I think it’s really wonderful to recognise when you’re in the wrong or your opinion isn’t required. It’s completely normal in my family for the other members to feel more anger or hurt on the behalf of siblings/children than the actual person – we are a very protective bunch but actually we’re all quite forgiving and non-confrontational! I think that’s just love isn’t it, it makes you want to take the pain away… Hmm this is sounding cheesier by the word!! Lovely post as always Helen #DreamTeam
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Ha ha – it’s hard to recognise you’re in the wrong too! I get so over protective so I’m glad to see the this is mirrored in your family too – and you make a good point that most of the time the affected person is often not as upset about the situation. And you’re right – it is love – love that! Thank you for your gorgeous comment lovely xx
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Ha, this will be me when Archie is older but, I think it’s also a testament to you & how you’ve raised your girls, that they have this opinion & that they’re confident enough to express it! #DreamTeam
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Oh thank you for your kind words xx
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Reblogged this on gonzobae.
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oh thank you so much – so kind of you xx
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Aaaw well done on your daughter! You’re right – girls can be really cruel. I remember it vividly from being a teenager myself (on the receiving end). And it makes me worried for when my girls grow up – no parent wants to see their kids badly treated. I’m not surprised you reacted like you did. But what a wonderfully mature daughter you have to be so calm about the situation! #StayClassyMama
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Hmm I was a little surprised how their was a total role reversal with regard to the maturity! Thank you for your comment lovely xx
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Oh it’s so amazing how our children can teach us lessons unexpectedly…your girls are so beautiful inside and out, this made me emotional to read. It’s so natural as a mum to want to protect them and defend them when you feel they need it, I know my OH does the same in an instant for his son when sometimes he too has it all under control 🙂 Brilliant post lovely xxx #stayclassymama
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Oh Bridie thank you for such a gorgeous comment xx
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This is so true Helen. I am realising more and more that my girls have a lot to teach me! It can be very refreshing can’t it. Also, they have very different personalities and something that would upset one of them just washes off the other literally like water off a duck’s back. You never stop learning to be a Mum!! xxx #ablogginggoodtime
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Really refreshing! Unbelievably still learning – when does that stop?! Thank you so much for reading, commenting and sharing lovely xx
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Totally echo thebusymumnet’s sentiments…you’ve raised such confident daughters, they must be a credit to you!
#bloggerclubuk
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aww thank you lovely one xx
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actually came here from #stayclassymama ….are the holidays nearly over yet???
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ha ha!
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It is isn’t it?! Hard not to be over protective sometimes isn’t it?! Thank you for your comment!
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It is so easy to feel outraged for others when you feel they have been wronged. But what a great point that maybe they don’t feel the same way. I also find it hard to not give advice. I think it’s just ingrained into our DNA some how. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just be empathetic. A lovely post Helen! #DreamTeam
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Thank you so much Sarah – empathy all the way – but so hard to stand back sometimes x thank you for your lovely comment xx
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I just love that you were open to a new perspective and imagine how your daughter felt seeing and experiencing that! Ty for sharing this very wonderful post. #stayclassymama
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oh thank you for your lovely comment – it did rather stop me when I realised that she was being far nicer and mature than me!
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The Littles have a way of doing that, don’t they! 😘✨
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Your daughter sounds very wise. I have seen quite a lot of instances where parents have tried to sort out an issue-usually a friendship issue-on their children’s behalf, all with the best of intentions, but it has ended up making things worse. It’s great that you recognised that she already had it sorted. I hope Piglet is mature enough to deal with things on his own terms too, as and when the time comes. #ablogginggoodtime
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oh thank you Min – wasn’t easy but I had to accept that her view was so much nicer than mine. Thank you for your comment x
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We have a lot to learn from our kids, tho it can be sometimes hard to see. #Stayclassymama
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definitely – learning all the time! Thank you for your comment x
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What a lovely post – you articulate so well what I’m sure most mothers/daughters (and sons) encounter very often. I remember being very, VERY cross with my mother when I was going through a rough patch as she actually said “I just sometimes feel that I AM you.” And of course she isn’t and I didn’t understand how she could possibly have those feelings then… but now, when I look at NG (who is still only three) I do get it. Echo Sam in that you are clearly a brilliant mother to think about this and it’s a gut instinct to want to protect our children by letting them know we feel the way they do… when we think we do, anyway! #stayclassymama
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Oh I can completely understand why your mother said that – it’s unbelievable how we feel pain for our children but they aren’t us and they may not feel the same as we do – it’s a lesson to us all really. Thank you for your comment x
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I dont have a teenager but sometimes my son would tell me about things that happened in school. I try my best to be a parent & look at things on diff angles before I give him an advice. Parenting is really hard and I can only imagine how it is with teenagers! #ablogginggoodtime
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I think the looking at different angles is the best way to parent and not to use your own emotions as the driving force sometimes. Thank you so much for your comment x
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Just popping back again from #dreamteam to say thanks for linking up lovely! I really loved this post, as you know – so beautifully written xx
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thank you lovely xx
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What a brilliant perspective she had and what an interesting post. I think myself and my partner are guilty of doing that with his teen when you’re right, it probably wasn’t always needed. It’s easy to forget that they are young adults as well as our children eh xx #ablogginggoodtime
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It’s so difficult to step away sometimes – I know I find it really hard but i’m trying and i’m learning along the way! xx
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I do this all the time – project my knee jerk reaction onto what in reality isn’t my direct issue. I think its deinetly a protection thing but you are right they have to decide for themselves #stayclassymama
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It’s just so hard to stand back sometimes when you just want to protect isn’t it? xx
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Well I guess that means you did a great job with her though right ? So I think you deserve some credit here ! Also it’s so hard to always do the thing you know you should be doing , parenting wise – instinct and emotion play a part too. #stayclassymama
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Oh thank you for such lovely words – we can only try xx
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To be honest I’d have gone all feral mummy too – Im like this with anyone I know and love… just no good at defending myself lol!! I think your amazing daughter just needs a silent hug and then you can stand back and just glow with pride at the incredible human being you have raised. To be so content in herself means she is already ahead of the game xxx
Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime #triballove
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Oh thank you lovely for such beautiful words! I think you’re right – so ahead of the game – more so than most adults! xx
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I think we need to let them find their own way sometimes, as scary as that is and I still come over all angry Mum when I think someone may have hurt either of my boys. Your daughter sounds very sensible x Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix, hope to see you there again tomorrow
Stevie x
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oh thank you for your lovely comment – it can be really hard but guess we are both learning to path our way as mother and as daughter xx
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I love this post because I can relate so much to what you have written. I do tend to want to rush in and “help sort things out for my teens” but many times, there is nothing to sort out. Lesson learnt for me – Listen to what they are saying, just listen.
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Thank you so much … I love your comment … we have to listen more xx
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This reminds me of something my professor said during a lesson about children with learning disabilities.
She brought us into a hypothetical situation where we were in a classroom as a Child and Youth Care professional and a student was fidgeting and not paying attention. In the situation, the teacher asked the student in front of the whole class whether or not he’s taken his medication today. My professor then asked what we would do in the situation.
My first reaction, and what I responded with was, ” I would comfort the child and help them talk to the teacher about why they were uncomfortable with what the teacher said in public.”
My professor was quiet for a moment as most of the room nodded in agreement with me, then she said, “But how do you know the child was uncomfortable with what the teacher said? You never asked.”
I really enjoyed your post!
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Oh what an interesting lesson from your professor – this will really stay with me – thank you for sharing! xx
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